3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
