At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
