If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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