im having a threesome with these popsicles
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
