I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
