Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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