I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
