I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
