I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
