also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
