the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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