Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
