My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
