I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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