So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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