Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
