i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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