My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
