why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
