My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
