This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
