Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
