You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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