If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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