everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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