you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
