Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
