i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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