Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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