So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
