Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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