i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
