i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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