Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
