Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
