gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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