I smell stomach acid.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just gift wrapped bread.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
