I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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