it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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