Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
