filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
