My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
