i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
