I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
