I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Two words: blizzard sex
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
