Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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