Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
