I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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