We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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