He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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