For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
