And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm passing your future prison.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
