I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There are leaves in my underwear?
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