Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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