My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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